bulletin #4

13/7/18

Well it didn’t take long for the Donald to take a big dribbly shit all over the welcome mat but Theresa still took him by the hand before he’d finished wiping. Gaudy, amber inflatables make a blip on the skyline as the oversized plate glass desk toys rise regardless. Piers Morgan spends five minutes trying to get Ash Sarkar to name a number but lacks the decency to reveal it tattooed on his chest at the end like some kind of David Blaine trick. The grass is dead in all the local parks but you mustn’t grumble about the weather. One can’t help but think that fuck all will come of this apart from a continued descent into god knows where. We haven't landed yet but we'll know, oh we'll know, when we do.

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Kylie Jenner is about to become a billionaire. Is there any better example of the good of capitalism than that of lowly, humble millionaires becoming billionaires? It's not easy being a billionaire, ask Elon Musk. Can't make your rent this month? Well, stop being so selfish and think of when nobody wanted Elon's submarine. He made it to rescue those boys from the cave and then they went and rescued them without it. Well Elon, man up! Did the Thunderbirds ever ask someone if they wanted to be rescued? Of course not, dem fuckers was GO! I'm sure you could rope Kylie into some Lady Penelope role when she's not busy empowering kids with her lip kits.

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The builders downstairs have been playing a fun new game called "let's cut the water off without telling anyone upstairs" They got us good this morning, what with getting the oldest ready for school and my wife standing under the shower with a head full of shampoo. The scamps. Leaving the water mains at half pressure last night was a good one too. It's humbling to be made to choose between flushing the toilet or washing your hands because both at the same time will end up with trickling taps and the cistern taking half an hour to refill. They're obviously heeding us to not take the water supply for granted, that climate change may render these assumed rights into privileges. I can't wait til they start on the electricity.

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The perverse relief
of realising that the grown-ups
on the swings
were not pissheads
but adults
with special needs
does not make me
a better person.

But still,
if you laugh like a child,
the kind of laughter
that isn't conditional
or contrived,
then the swings
are all yours.

And finally…

A public intellectual is nothing more that a person who assumes that their expertise in one subject makes them an expert in all others.

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